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One reason goths in love enter into long-term relationships and marriage is to procreate. When the mainstream thinks of goths at all, they do not envision them with children. Even most goths know few, if any, goth parents. This is a realm that goths frequently grow into as they age.
If goths fantasize about having children, it's often along the lines of somberly humorous hollow-cheeked waifs like Wednesday Addams. In a world where black equals morbid, dressing children in outfits the color of raven feathers becomes a controversal issue. Six goth parents from the Web site Gothic Parents talk about their children, and what it means to be a goth parent.
SkunkGoth (Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, England): "Lilith (four) looks lovely in her purple satin frock with the lace trim; just don't let her near your neck, any axes, sharp implements, small boys ..."
EireGirl (Minneapolis, Minnesota): "February (seven) dresses herself goth. I bought her a pair of knee-high boots and she loves to wear them with black tights, black skirt, and black shirt. London's (six) favorite clothes are his black jeans and his blue shirt that says GERMANY on the front. He loves his jammies that have spiders on them. Parker (four) likes to wear his Halloween shirt with bats on it, and his favorite jammies are ones with witches, ghosts, and spiders. We don't force it upon them. They choose for themselves to dress the way they do. There's not a whole lot out there in the way of goth clothing for children, especially boys."
Rain (Columbus, Ohio): "Isabella's (one and a half) first professional pictures were taken in a velvet leopard-print dress we found. She has a black baby sling, a PUNK PRINCESS T-shirt, and a Hot Topic shirt that reads: WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF? FISHNET, BATS AND ALLEY CATS. We found a medieval dress on eBay."
Mellybee (Sleepy Hollow, New York): "I don't make a special effort to dress Connor (two) goth. That stuff can be hard to find and more expensive. However, he has many black outfits, and a number are specifically goth, such as black overalls with a skull on them, black onsies with various sayings. His stroller, diaper bag and anything I can get are black. You can't get disposable diapers in black, or I would buy them."
Saintnic (Sydney, Australia): "They do wear dark clothes or black combined with bold colors. Tain (31/2) had a bat mobile, and a few vampire toys and lots of books that are gothy. Brittany Raven (11) dresses herself."
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Blodeuwedd (Bay Area, California): "I feel that forcing your children to dress in any particular fashion is oppressive. I allow Taylor (ten) to pick out her clothes, even when she chooses something I deplore. Taylor has many dark 'gothic' outfits that she wears on occasion. She adores Wednesday Addams and loves to have her hair in braids. A couple of years ago she asked me to dye her naturally light hair pink. I did not do it because I didn't want to face flak from her school. Later I gave her a flaming red streak for Valentine's Day. Surprisingly, the school said nothing!"
Goths who dress goth often draw stares, and sometimes negative criticism, but when children are involved, the responses can verge on abuse. Many goth parents have experienced rejection from other parents or society at large simply because they and/or their children dress goth.
Blodeuwedd: "Once, while working at a makeup counter, I mentioned to a woman customer who had her young child with her, 'I have a beautiful six-year-old daughter.'
" 'You have a child!' the woman uttered with disgust on her face. 'Oh my God! Imagine what she'll look like when she's older!'
"I told her, 'Probably whatever she wants to look like, because unlike some people, I've taught my child that it's what's inside a person that's important.'"
EireGirl: "We live in a very snotty suburban area where the other parents kind of give us that 'they let you be a parent?' look. I get people asking me if they can pray for me."
SkunkGoth: "I look like a thug; people seem to prefer to keep their casual opinions to themselves. Where discussion takes place, I can hold my own intellectually. People seem more interested and positive about my parenting commitment."
The other goth parents—Saintnic, Mellybee, and Rain—generally feel accepted by the collective regarding how they dress. Sometimes it's the level of self-confidence a goth parent puts out, but the open-mindedness of the community in which they live plays a part.
The arenas where goths are most vulnerable because of how they look involve bureaucratic institutions, like the courts. Eire Girl has had a serious negative encounter that has affected her life. "When I went to court during my divorce and custody battle, my ex-husband kept bringing up the fact that I was goth, and went out to goth clubs, etc.—never mind that the majority of the time that I went out the kids were with him. I believe the court
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discriminated against me because of it. I worked Monday to Friday, an eight-to-five job where I was home with my children every night, whereas my ex worked a job as a DJ in a college bar. Somehow he was more acceptable to the judge than me. I didn't have much of a chance, since the court was in a small town in a very small county. We have joint legal and physical custody, but they gave him primary custody. I have to pay him child support even though he lied about how much he makes. I went into court and told the truth. I dressed nicely, black pants and a pink shirt, but I could tell the judge was biased."
Family relationships for goths can go either way. Relatives are the people who should be most supportive in a cold, cruel world, but sometimes home is the last place where they let you in. None of the six goth parents have had serious rejection from their parents or in-laws, although they haven't received 100 percent acceptance either. Blodeuwedd's mother thought she'd "'grow out of being goth. Once I moved to California, they changed, and now claim to be completely proud of me." As did Saint-nic's parents, who "thought it was a phase. Ten years later they are still hoping I will change; otherwise, they are used to it. I have a sister who is goth." Rain says, "My family tells me that I need to dress more like a parent and less like I'm going to a party." EireGirHs the exception in terms of family. "I love my family. They are very supportive, and we are very close."
The gothic lifestyle undergoes major alterations when children come into the picture. Children change the dynamics of a relationship, or in the case of a single parent, of a life and lifestyle. All of the goth parents feel this is so.
SkunkGoth: "Bars? Clubs? Oh yes, I remember those. These days I'm glad to be in bed by ten P.M."
EireGirl: "[It's tough to] find a babysitter who will come watch the kids. Most people don't understand that clubs and concerts start around ten or eleven P.M."
Mellybee: "We used to sleep until noon on weekends; now we get up at 6:30 or 7 A.M. every day. And sometimes being outwardly goth is just too much effort for me—let's face it, it's not always the most low-maintenance look."
Rain: "I stopped wearing excessive jewelry because I was afraid she would get scratched on my spiked collar. I also had to take out my belly button piercing when I was pregnant."
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Goth, being a lifestyle given to appreciating life and respecting all aspects of it, lends itself well to good parenting. Being goth is liberating to an individual, and reinforcing as a parent.
Saintnic: "We dealt with judgment from our parents about being different. I think we are more relaxed."
Rain: "I love being a Momigoth. I tend to focus on individual strengths instead of a false ideal that many people have for their children."
Mellybee: "I'm a happier person since I discovered the goth community. It gives me an outlet and expression for negative energy, and makes me feel at home and understood in a way I never did before. That makes me a better, more understanding parent. Never give up what you are to be a parent. If anything, be more what you are, so you can be happier, healthier and an example of strength for your child."
EireGirl: "I am more understanding, more patient, and probably a little more fun. I think most goths have better morals than most other people out there."
Blodeuwedd: "If anything, being goth allows me to recognize the freedom that comes from being able to truly express oneself. I try to remind myself constantly that each of us deserves to be ourselves without retribution, or flak."
working gotbs
Whether goths couple or not, somehow, the rent has to be paid, and that usually involves work. The shortage of professional mourner positions is appalling. And contrary to what the mainstream likely imagines, goths are usually employed, and not necessarily in low-paying jobs. Brocaded jackets, velvet capes, and full-body cyberwear do not come cheap, and unless one is being supported by well-heeled, indulgent parents, money must be earned to maintain this lavish lifestyle.
John J. Coughlin (known by his Internet handle Dark Wyccan) runs corporategoth.com under his umbrella site, waningmoon.com. He started the site because "I knew I could not be the only 'freak' out there who has to deal with balancing work life with a gothic lifestyle. I created the site initially as a place to share ideas and to let others know they were not alone. I am humbled to see on the mailing list alone—our 'virtual water cooler'—we have over 600 members, with 1,000 registered altogether.
"Goths in their thirties and late twenties today have a decent job. A
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Courtesy of the Corporate goth Web site
• Always take advantage of stereotypes that work in your favor and play along.
• Know, and never cross, the boundaries of tolerance in appearance for your specific profession.
• Check out how others dress in the company before interviewing.
• Wean them in-establish mutual respect and then slowly show your true colors (or in this case, lack of colors').
• Maintain a professional stance. Dress and act appropriately for meetings. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices to stay ahead.
• To help make sure you are taken seriously, try to make your first contact via e-mail or phone.
• Dress in a manner that is comfortable for your coworkers (within reason). Compromise enough to establish a good working relationship with your coworkers.
• Speak to your HR representative and learn your rights! Technically I can dress in drag (as long as it is something a woman could wear to work), and legally they can't say anything to me. Of course that does not mean they won't figure out another reason to fire me! So know your rights and also know the limitations of those rights.

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